Jon Stewart goes on Crossfire, rips the show a new one
I made this whole big article but then CNN put the transcipt up. Skip my longass summary crap below and just click the link below to read it!!
CNN Transcript
It's awesome stuff. CLICK THE LINK M'F--KERs!!!!! YOU ALREADY GOT THIS FAR...er, please?
(Single quotes mean I am paraphrasing, I had it recorded but I didn't take it down word for word.)
It started funny enough off. In the first segment Tucker Carlson (from the Right) and Paul Begala (from the Left) went after each other's talking points. Then they went to commercial after Begala said Jon Stewart was going to be on and plus the Daily Show's book, the one with naked pictures of the Supreme Court Justices (big audience laugh). After commercial Jon Stewart walked onstage to applause and they introduced his book.
Jon did a small comedy bit by asking 'Why all the fighting?' and asked Carlson and Begala to say something nice about Kerry and Bush respectively. Which they both did, Begala after making a joke about how nice it would be when Bush is unemployed.
Then Carlson asked Stewart if John Kerry was the best. Stewart replied the best? I thought Lincoln was good... Carlson specified of the Democrats, was Kerry the best? Stewart hedged a bit and said according to the primary process Kerry came out as the winner. Carlson then asked if Kerry was the most impressive. Impressive? Stewart said he felt Al Sharpton was the most impressive, since the person who can't win will most likely speak the most freely.
Stewart then said he made a special effort to come on Crossfire since he said amongst the privacy of his friends and family, newspapers, and TV shows, he usually called Crossfire "BAD". He wanted to clarify as saying, he meant "bad" as in "hurting America" and asked them to "stop". He also called them both 'partisan hacks'.
Carlson took a bit of offense to this and quoted some of the softball questions Stewart asked during the Daily Show's Kerry interview. Carlson asked if Stewart had some responsibility.
Stewart replied that might be the answer to the state of the media when news organizations were looking to Comedy Central for cues on integrity. He also mentioned that he asked Kerry about Cambodia as a joke but he didn't care and thought it was a stupid question. (side note: on that show, Kerry was talking about some serious issues going on and then Stewart asked in the middle, 'Excuse me, sir, were you or were you not in Cambodia thirty years ago?')
Begala finally came in to defend his show by saying they provided a forum where for half an hour people could debate. Stewart replied that a debate show would be great but saying the analogy would be like comparing 'pro wrestling to athletic competition.' He called Crossfire theatre, not debate. Stewart made a joke about Carlson's bowtie and said both did 'partisan hackery'.
Carlson got incredulously said, 'You got to be kidding to come on here and say that'. Stewart deflected criticism by saying, 'You're CNN, the show that leads into me are puppets making crank calls'. Carlson called Stewart a "buttboy" for Kerry, Stewart agreed, saying, 'You won't believe what he ate two weeks ago' and they (CNN) had a responsibility to allow for public discourse and they were failing miserably.
Carlson said 'I thought you were going to be funny', Stewart said that 'I won't be your monkey'. Carlson asked if Stewart was like that at home, inviting people to dinner and delivering lectures on responsibility, Stewart replied only if they deserved one. Carlson said he wouldn't want to eat with him, Stewart said he wouldn't get an invite.
Begala tried to lighten the atmosphere a bit by asking for the naked Supreme Court Justices pics, Tucker Carlson also agreed he wanted to see them. Jon Stewart kept saying, 'Please, stop', 'I'm begging you, please...'
COMMERCIAL
After commercial, Stewart was asked 'What do you think of Bill O'Reilly and the vibrator story'? Stewart replied, "I don't," ending talk about that subject. (gargantuan "THANK YOU" to Jon Stewart, I don't want to hear "O'Reilly" and "vibrator" in the same sentence ever again)
After that Carlson asked which Presidency would provide better material for the Daily Show. "Mr. T". Stewart showed his opinion on the Bush administration by saying it would be hard to beat the absurdity provided under Bush. But he did say they got the comedy out of the theatre of it all, and thanked Carlson and Begala.
Stewart then asked the hosts if they went to "Spin Alley" after the Presidential debates, asking if it wasn't the same problem as if news people went to a place called "Deception Lane".
Begala said that he felt both sides were being honest in who won the debates. Stewart called him on it, saying that each side thinks their guy would be a better President but weren't making honest arguments, but that they probably felt the ends justified the means.
Carlson complained that 'You're funnier on your show'. Stewart fired back (I think he was way out of line here) that Carlson was 'as big a dick on your show as you are on the other shows'. Carlson laughed it off, and said, 'Now you're getting into it'.
COMMERCIAL
After the commercial, they took questions from the audience. The first guy asked about the hump on Bush's back in the first debate. Stewart had no idea what the guy was asking. Begala explained the theory and said, 'Let me take this one. It's a myth, there was nothing, it was a rumple in the fabric. If Karl Rove was feeding lines into Bush's ear he wouldn't have been so inarticulate'. Carlson had to smile, since he couldn't very well argue there was a wire, or that Bush wasn't inarticulate during the first debate.
The next and last question was a woman asking why it was so hard to get a politician to give a straight answer to a question. Stewart said that was because there is no one to hold their feet to the fire. Begala and Carlson both came in. Begala said that Stewart was complaining that no one held a politician's feet to the fire but Crossfire did, and Carlson said that Stewart's show was one of those that didn't force a politician to answer the tough questions. Stewart really couldn't deny it, and said, 'Yeah, well.'
Stewart resignedly said, 'THAT went great'. Then the show signed off.